Beverley Paine's Australian Home School Curriculum - Ten Ways to Refresh Sagging Family Relationships

15 Ways to Refresh Sagging Family Relationships

© Beverley Paine, Aug 2006

All too often we take the relationships in our families for granted. Traditionally mothers have generally been the relationship managers within the family who made sure that everyone is getting on nicely with each other. I always resented the fact that without any training for this role I found myself thrashing about in the deep end: one of three similarly aged siblings all of whom went to school I found my own childhood completely lacking in modelling for this phase of my life. I could do calculus and understood how electricity works and knew the inner workings of a black hole, but had no idea of how to cope as a parent and wife. Now I'm old and my children are grown up - now I've "been there and done that" - I feel much better equipped!

One thing I've discovered as a parent, if you don't pay deliberate attention to the relationship side of families, then you're going to have a mediocre family life. If you make it a priority and give it regular, positive attention, it will thrive. Homeschooling made it a lot easier to pay attention as we had ample time in each day to pause and really listen to each other, rather than hurried snatches of conversations squeezed in between 'must do' activities. We didn't suffer from the stress derived from the building tension at the end of the day, when everyone is trying to share their experiences all at once. It's hard to be attentive on what the kids are saying while driving home from school, juggling instant snacks while preparing nutritious meals in the kitchen, or frantically looking for lost socks or homework first thing in the morning. Homeschooling allows for a much saner approach to life simply by giving us time to pace activities throughout the day.

If you're feeling a little frazzled and less than happy about the state of relationships in your homeschooled family then maybe it's time to do a "spring clean". To bring a fresh new energy to your family life try doing all or some of the following:

1. Make a commitment to go on an excursion as a family once a week. Go to the cinema, or on a picnic. Go for a family walk around the block or in the nearest conservation park. Head down the beach, no matter the weather, for an invigorating ball game or to fly a kite. Spending time away from your familiar environment of work or home - without the company of friends - on a regular basis will rejuvenate your relationships.

2. If you feel unappreciated try this: compliment your children and spouse. Say to them all the wonderful things you wish they would say to you, things that would give you a warm fuzzy feeling inside. Within no time the compliments will start bouncing back! Follow this up by spoiling each other now and then. You don't have to spend money or be extravagant: it's the little things we do for each other that mean the most over time.

3. Imagine the perfect family. Write down, doodle and draw, or cut and paste images from magazines what you think creates happy family relationships. Make a list of values and factors and create positive, simple and achievable action plans you can to do to bring these to life in your family.

4. When you are all calm and relatively happy with each other, take the time to sit together and talk about the behaviours and actions that upset or hurt each of you. This is an opportunity to air our wounds and have them acknowledged. It's not the time to reply, or blame or justify. Be firm about keeping comments positive and constructive and encourage everyone to use "I" instead of "you" statements. Sometimes letting people know what you are doing and why in advance can deflect potential conflict.

5. From now on everyone in the family has to stop talking about what's not working or what they don't want. It's time to start talking about what is working and what you all want more of! This simple change from negative to positive language is often enough to create the changes you're seeking.

6. Strive to reword what you're about to say so that is has a positive ring. If you've already said the sentence, correct yourself. It's never too late to sound positive! It's easy if you begin with the mindless, but important, everyday things we say to our children, such as "Stop running in the supermarket!" I learned to say instead, "You can run in the playground later, please walk in here". Every positively reworded sentence builds better relationships!

7. Most of us find that conflict usually happens at the same time or in the same place or over the same things. The way to fix this is to change the patterns: first by noticing them and then by stopping them. If necessary change your routine. Do things in a different way or at a different time. Don't attempt to do important tasks when you're stressed or already busy, feeling unwell or tired. Pause, have a cuppa, sit and relax and chat with the children or spouse for a while instead. Taking a five or ten minute break may put the whole activity into a more positive, constructive light.

8. Make sure you build time into your day or week for you all to have time alone - learning to be by ourselves is an important aspect of socialisation. And make sure that dad gets time to be with each child, and for you to spend time with each child, and for mum and dad to have time alone together. You may need to set up an intentional schedule and stick to it religiously for a few weeks or months if this is an area you've neglected or haven't considered that important in the past. We had a rule in our home that everyone has the right to work or play undisturbed and without unnecessary interruption.

9. Do fun, pleasurable things together. Develop a playful attitude to life. Play games in the evening, share a book together, or play hide and seek in the dark! Get down on the carpet and play like a child every now and then. You'll be amazed at how much fun it is!

10. Add humour! Tell jokes, sing funny songs, play charades, recite limericks. Chose to watch and listen to comedies. Read aloud humorous books and plays. Learn to lighten up stressful situations by using irony and humour. Make laughing out loud a part of every day life.

11. Resolve conflict quickly. It is hard to say you are sorry in the heat of an argument. In some ways it is easier to have a fight and go into your separate corners. But unresolved conflict, or conflict that lingers, fosters long-term hurt and resentment. It's okay to disagree, but it's important to find a resolution that works for everyone as soon as possible. Recognise that your children are individuals and that sometimes they may disagree with you. Value their opinions and teach them how to disagree civilly.

12. Share the work. Divide responsibilities so that no one ever feels overwhelmed and unable to relax. Learn to let some things go. It doesn't matter if the chores aren't always done on time, or done by someone else. Accept a lower standard of work now and then to help take the pressure off.

13. Ask for input. Don't feel as if you need to plan every family activity - as your children for ideas, and enlist their help in setting up the activities they suggest.

14. Trust your family. Gradually learn to let go of the need to be overly protective and the need to be the one who solves all the problems. Allow your children time and space to learn to solve their own problems.

15. Say those three little words 'I love you' often. Verbal affirmation of your feelings for one another is great positive reinforcement. Hold hands and ask for and give hugs whenever the opportunity presents itself. Touch is a powerful way of letting people know you care.

After 20 years of being a contact and support person Beverley no longer takes phone call or email inquiries. Please join one of her yahoo groups if you want to know more about homeschooling or have a question.

Pioneering members of the home education movement in Australia, Beverley and Robin Paine are passionate advocates of true educational choice for families. They began homeschooling their children in 1986 and three years later started the South Australian Home Based Learners network.
Beverley wrote Getting Started with Homeschooling in 1995-97 and since then continues to write books and booklets on home education. She balances spending time helping home educators with working in her garden and renovating her home, as well as continuing to build her collection of writing on a variety of homeschooling subjects. Beverley maintains an extensive collection of websites as well as several Yahoo groups supporting families teaching their children at home. In 2007 Beverley joined the HEA and became a committee member in 2008: she also edits and produce the HEA Newsletter, HEA magazine, Stepping Stones for Home Educators, annual Resource Directory and other HEA publications. If you'd like to keep in touch with what Beverley is up to her in her life, sign up for the Homeschool Australia Newsletter or visit her Facebook page.